A ‘Fortress of Solitude’ is what my colleague called the 25 day self imposed, exam induced hibernation. My travel plans dashed, I resigned myself to a quiet Christmas and New Year, knowing fully well that the weather in Stockholm is conducive to a passive existence that I am prone to. I lost track of day-night cycles and life flowed along without boundaries, a blur of existence. Day after day I stared outside my window at the snow and wondered how it could have been. At night I heard the plastic I had placed on the vent crinkle, thankful of the warmth I had as the lakes froze,
I did attempt to spend this precious resource, time, prudently on things like learning programming and preparing for the exam. The inevitable did happen and the process wasn’t as efficient as one might hope. Countless youtube videos were consumed. Unfortunately my attempt to do something useful kept me from the things I would have loved to do instead. So, the books and anime went untouched as I slipped and skidded in my attempt to do something useful. Could it be that I tried too hard, might have I instead written a poem? Progressed on the long abandoned book? I feel a pang of regret but the milk has spilled, the days have long passed.
I came here with the urge to make something of myself, to learn new things and do things that amaze me. That enthusiasm has fallen flat on its face. I thought about the hard journey ahead, a sinking feeling came to mind. I have never been a rushed person and it struck me that I might have been a little too hasty this time around. The idea that I might have jumped into a quagmire of my own making felt very real. Could I have given up on those small pleasures of life, the little things that go unnoticed till you are deprived of them? I recalled the wondrous sights I had seen when I arrived here and how enamored I was at the beauty. I was taken by how different and storied the surroundings seem,
This was an open city full of greenery and hidden pathways. Often I had wandered and stumbled upon fabulous things. Â I have walked and come across castles and hidden wooden doors. Stockholm can feel like a toy town at times, with its empty streets, transport that runs like clockwork and a majestic, aged feel about it.
This was so different from the crowded urban jungles cities are. Yet here I was a few months later holed up inside a small room. I couldn’t help noticing the contrast. I felt restricted and as I pondered more, I felt the extent to which my life had been altered. I always knew what I was getting into, but the physical manifestation of constraint hits hard.
I wondered at the remarkable change in perspective I have undergone during this time. As I boarded the bus to the university after several days, I felt a sense of return. In contrast to how everything had felt new and wondrous half a year ago, I felt the comfort of a known landscape, a feeling similar to how one looks at home.The striking sensation to me was how much I still appreciated the wind, the quiet calm of this city and that beautiful, intriguing things stay that way though I might encounter them time and time again. I had planned to post this collection of pictures a while ago but I see things differently now.
As I had grow accustomed to my life here, the murky restlessness returns. It is an important force that drives to me to strive for better but too much of it and the doors to perpetual frustration swing wide open. I feel like an important lesson has been learnt. I have come full circle. Starting from a place where I was content to let things happen as they would, to a burning desire to lead my destiny and now finally the realisation that good things don’t happen overnight. In the meantime, I suppose its ok to have some fun!
I missed a lot of people this winter and I was missed by a lot of people too. Thank you for all the love you have showered me with!
Impressions 